The world has two types of people; those that pursue love and those that avoid it at all costs. The majority of people however, seek to love and to be loved, but there is a certain group of people that simply don’t care (or do they?). These people see their ex in every man and in every woman. Their disappointments and life experiences tend to make them judge all people in a negative way. If people with genuine intentions come into their lives, they treat them with disdain and skepticism. This is because they have developed a belief system premised on avoidance and the fear of being hurt.
It may appear to be a strange phenomenon to some, but there are many people out there that are afraid to fall in love or to be close to others; so therefore, the only alternative that they choose is not to commit too much to someone or to people, as it believed that in doing so, they will be safe and shielded from disappointments. This state is called the schizoid dilemma. Anthony Storr in his book ‘Solitude: A return to the self’ explains that;
“The schizoid dilemma is a desperate need for love combined with an equally desperate fear of close involvement.”
When it comes to love and relationships, we must acknowledge that It is okay to fear, what is not okay is to be overwhelmed by your fears to the point that you don’t even make an effort or give others a chance to be part of your life. Some people don’t even try; they have conditioned themselves to believe that they are not good enough. But this phobia can be overcome. We have to know that to be afraid of Love blocks you from accommodating love, according to 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”
There is always somebody for everybody. That is the law of love and relationships. but if you are aloof and avoidant you may never testify to the truth and the dictates of this law. No one should suffer for the mistakes or wrongs that were committed against you in the past; give other people a chance. It is important to acknowledge that life tends to present us with both good and bad experiences, the key to your growth as a person will lie in how you handle both of these experiences.
If you have recently experienced a heartbreak, do not let it weigh you down, learn from it and move on. If all these years you have harbored bitterness due to a certain person or people that disappointed you in the past, you are encouraged to stop wallowing in hatred and self-pity. Always be open to new possibilities for a second chance and acknowledge that in order to find true happiness you must make an effort to change your belief system regarding the area of love and relationships.
David Brooks in his book “the Second mountain,” writes;
“Your personality is the hidden history of the places where love entered your life or was withdrawn from your life. it is shaped by the ways your parents loved you, the ways they did not love you. All of us have certain attachment patterns lodged deep in our minds. Some people provoke a crisis because they are scared of intimacy. Some withdraw at exactly the moment things are getting close.
You can spot the people who fear intimacy because they suddenly disappear for a time, just when you thought you were getting close. They tend to hide behind a wall of questions; they turn conversations to you in order to avoid exposing anything about themselves. They tend to express strong opinions as a tactic for driving people away. They exude an aura of infallibility and they never appear to be vulnerable themselves.”
Extractions from a beautiful mind 